I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
