Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dude. I can hear the air.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
