So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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