so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
