He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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