I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
