I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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