I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
