I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
