I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
