my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
