do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
