I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
