I cannot find my penis.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
