Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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