The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
