Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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