Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Holy sore nipples Batman
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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