you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
