We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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