Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
