you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
