I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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