somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize