I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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