are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
