i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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