Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
