I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
