I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
