Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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