I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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