I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
