Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
