You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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