if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
