Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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