the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
