i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
