i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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