'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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