I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize