Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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