Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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