Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
