No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize