Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dick very happy bro
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
