my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
