I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize