He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
