Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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