they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
