Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
