Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You're like the curious george of whores
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
