Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
