her vagine was all disorganized.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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