Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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