i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
