Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
